The burdens we bear
by Aura Creed
Summary: Living for hundreds of years can really take a toll on ones mental state. As one deliberates and trys to come to concise conclusions, they may end up having to fight already firmly routed ideas in their own psyche; ideas that have stuck with them through age and experience. It's really hard to drop assumptions, especially when those assumptions are reiterated through your Shadow.


A/N: I love how I told myself this would never see the light of the internet and yet here it is. Lame title is lame. Rated K+ to be safe. Also might rewrite summary later but for now it'll do.

I think the only reason I'm putting this up is because while it was a byproduct of my thought process involved in my other project, it still isn't _exactly_ what I'm going to be portraying in that project (though it's similar; there's just a few missing tidbits I'm not going to list here).

Also because, other then a few rough draft pages of my other project, this is the only thing I've written. Hurray for lack of inspiration! (not really)

For those of you who've played Persona 3, if you've ever gotten to the final of all final bosses you'll understand the beginning portion quite well. For anyone else who's even vaguely familiar with Persona 4 you'll understand the rest.

Location-wise this is basically Megaman Zero (but not exactly MMZ which is why I didn't label a world) with Shadows and Personas. This is intended as a one shot, meaning I do not plan in any way shape or form to continue this story past this one and only chapter.

This plays on a lot of elements revolving around Cyber Elf X, elements that I've been wrapping my head around and altering for that project I seem to mention in anything I post up to the site. I also tried to make this one less.. vague. 'And Again' was supposed to be vague, but this one shouldn't be _AS_ vague (at least I hope).

Hopefully next time I write a one shot it's actually something that focuses more on personalities and relations, not inner turmoil (I could use a bit of sugar with my side of spice, you know?).

* * *

><p>'The arcana is the means by which all is revealed' - or, as it should be; 'The arcana is the means by which <em>some<em> is revealed' - for if one were to assume everything based on ones arcana, they would be closing out reasoning towards other factors that may provide insight to the answer and they would never find the truth.

Or at least one definition of the truth, for that one case in that particular instance. After all, their false conclusion is someone else's denouement.

And there are many, many instances, many unique cases, and many different versions of the truth.

Everyone has their own answer. It is one that not everyone has the chance to find, and one that not everyone seeks out. It is one with multiple guises, multiple facades, one that eludes the keen eye and swims around in the face of obliviousness. It is there but one must find it. Sometimes finding and coming to terms with one's own truth is something they must do - something they _need_ to do - if they are to continue to move forward.

Once again, the feelings he had pushed aside to deal with when he had a better idea of what he was doing - To try and work with it later, when he had more knowledge, more accumulated experiences - Those same feelings came back to haunt him. They towered over him, his own living shadow, as they tried to piece themselves together to form something other than what they were dripping as; hatred, rage, regret..

A monster.

Even if he was just a simple apparition, a Cyber Elf, a being he had been for centuries now… The thing that represented all the emotions he had been fighting had to resemble an unidentifiable monstrosity. A coalition of darkness, of shadow.

And this was supposed to be a representation of _himself._

He grimaced, knowing he probably shouldn't have (rejecting it, even a little, would only make it worse) but he looked onward. It stood in front of him, staring as part of it's form seemed to part and it spoke. "…Why…" It asked, its voice heavily distorted but still recognizable at its base as his very own voice. His eyes narrowed in disgust, mainly at himself, but they reverted back a moment later when he realized that would only add fuel to the fire.

He was a moment too late.

"You hate us…" 'Us' as in 'both of them' and not just itself.

"I would like to say 'no' but you're right, unfortunately." A sad smile crossed his lips.

"We hate them."

"That.. isn't entirely accurate." A slightly disgruntled expression. The word used was a little too strong to describe exactly how he felt about that topic. He knew what he knew, and he had bits and pieces of words and phrases that could, with separate definitions, add up to some semblance of how he felt on that issue.. But nothing he could explain within a few sentences and be done with it, and a drawn out explanation only left for holes that his shadow would take advantage of, if it was given the chance. It was going to be difficult to find the right words without triggering any.. unnecessary events.

"Yes it is."

"But you only have everything I try to look past." He placed a hand to his chest then, a simple gesture, but one that was understood. "What you said may be true, but that is an emotion, and we have reason." The estranged apparition seemed to make a confused sound before the Cyber Elf clarified. "We have the ability to choose, and I've chosen to stand by them." _All of them._ It didn't matter what they did, everyone had the right to live.

"But why?" It asked, as if not understanding the reasons. "They're murderers, liars, they've hurt us.. Killed everything we care for.."

"We also care for them."

"And it hurts us." A hiss, alienated and bitter. The distortion in its voice hadn't faltered since the start of the conversation. "So why? Why do we do something so damaging as this?"

"You know why."

"But it doesn't make sense!"

"You know very well it does."

"But we feel differently."

"I know we do."

"Then why-"

"You may be me," He spoke, looking up at his reflection.. his shadow. "But you are the emotions I wish to hide, to put away until everything I've fought for comes to fruition, so you may be put to rest as a thing of the past. You exist because of my doubts, because of my experiences, and you exist because I realize what I am and what everyone else is in regards to the whole." He took a breath. Unnecessary when he was no longer in a body, but it wasn't a habit he needed to break, nor was it one he wanted to break. "You exist, because despite all my efforts to love, and to care, people still believe I am him..." The Copy. Someone who took their lives away; reploid lives, his children. "...and some, despite what I believe may be right, still choose to go against my ideals and try to change the world themselves, starting wars… Obstructing peace..." He could feel the leering of his shadow, feeling irritation peak out of the bottles he kept them in, bottles that helped create the situation he was in now. "and realizing that not everyone will want to understand..." Ignorance, no - stupidity was a curse. "Because it's not that they can't, but they don't want to see it, whatever their reasons may be." He had to understand everyones reasons, everyones wishes and thoughts, if he was to understand how to prevent any more of this madness. "And this, _this_ is infuriating beyond all imagination. People dying due to ignorance, people dying due to mavericks, the virus…" His exasperation clearly showed. He had been fed up with this for much longer then he let on, but he was only now showing it. There was _always_ a new strain of virus. If one wasn't made naturally it was made artificially, even by other reploids, by humans who the virus tried to annihilate… And even during those spans of time when there wasn't one, everything seemed to end badly. "We're not all knowing." He looked up at his shadow. "No matter how many years we survive… We will never know _everything._" It was an impossible feat to achieve and one he'd never strive to fulfill. "However…"

"However?" His shadow asked mockingly, about to speak before X cut him off rather harshly. Well, he was speaking to himself; no real need to use pleasantries if he didn't want to.

"Despite all of this... idiocy, all this stupidity…" He didn't even bother to hold back any bitterness he had in those statements, because even if he hated it he knew he was right. People were stupid. They were ignorant, but only when they decided not to listen or to comprehend their situation did it turn into complete and utter stupidity. He had come to understand that as much as he kept trying to have those people understand how _wrong_ it was to treat people as inferiors because of any and all reasons they seemed to come up with...

Not understanding most of it was what led to this bitterness, this irritation, and still not finding a way for everyone to peacefully exist in their fabled Eden was another source of that frustration as well.

And how many years had he been working at this? How many centuries? _And he still hadn't found an answer?_

His shadow gave a mocking noise of dissatisfaction, though at the same time it felt.. hypocritical. X raised an eyebrow at the apparition. Was he actually considering what he was saying? He gave an amused smile. "What's this now? I thought you were lecturing me on _my_ reasonings against outright destruction and now here you are in the same predicament." He gave a slight chuckle. 'Destruction' being the general term for both inanimate objects and sentient beings. They didn't want to damage the planet any further than it had already been damaged, or anything else on it. His shadow scoffed.

"You still reject me."

"I understand you but I do not reject you." He probably would have been consumed already if he had truly rejected his shadow; it was why he was being cautious with his words.

"Then why will you not allow me back?" _Willingly?_ It took X a silent moment for him to process what the other meant before a silent 'ah' escaped his lips and he looked back to him. "... for posterity." And without having to ask it understood, though it was still displeased. X just gave another solemn smile, patting it on what he figured was a head (why his shadow took on unexplainable forms was still a mystery to him). "Clearly, I'm still ignorant of some things." Another reason the shadow was most likely having problems, another reason it didn't seem to become a persona. "But if I were to let you get the best of me.. well.." The last thing he wanted was another Copy X scenario, and it didn't help that his shadow didn't exactly have much in the way of empathy. Emotions are like a saber; their energy is powerful, but without a hilt to keep it stable you can't exactly control it.

The shadow only seemed to bob its head before it suddenly shrunk down, reverting to a height that matched X's own before it seemed to seep back into his nanites, into his soul. It was there, but still unstable. Not fully welcome, yet not fully rejected. He was standing on a blade's edge and he knew it. Insanity, or stability; neither would suit him. Until he was able to wipe away his Ignorance he would not be able to fully accept the anger he felt towards everyone he fought for… The anger at himself, and all the melancholy he'd held, all the memories…

He regretted everything, and yet he didn't regret a thing. Endless turmoil, and endless peace..

Drearily he sifted through memories, his eyes tracing the blue skies of the planet that had hosted life longer than he had been around to experience it. Once again he could feel fatigue aching through his systems - He'd had enough internal conflicts for one day - and as long as there was currently peace, as long as streaks of gold and crimson still existed in his place…

He'd be back down there. One day. With a body, at last.. one of his own design...

But not today.


End file.
